Posted by S on Jul 4, 2011 / Labels: Mom
There are some days when I'm tough. Some days where I'm blah. Some days where I am distracted. Some days where I'm preoccupied. Some days I veg out all day and don't realize it. Some days I don't have a moment to myself to even organize my thoughts.
Today is the 13th anniversary of her death. I try to think of what that might mean to other people.. I remember how I would have felt before it was me that had to say it, or me who had to relate it to something personal. Before, I immediately would have thought 'Oh so you're over it now.'... 'It's been long enough that it's not a big deal to you anymore'... 'Good thing you're totally ok with it now'.
Today I feel like I'm not OK with it. I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts.
There are days since she died that I have felt so distant from her that I thought I must have dreamed that she ever existed. How could I have had such an unbelievable person who loved me so completely, just disappear from my life? No she didn't die in a car accident, or even suddenly. It was cancer and it was over the course of months. Does that make it easier? I don't think so. I suppose I could go on and on about the reasons for that, but the point is that one day there was an invisible force that I could feel.. almost on my back, in between my shoulder blades.. like as if I were to fall backwards, there was a hand that would literally catch me. A warmth. A pressure that supported you as you progressed in life... and it was always there.. so much that I never felt alone. Until that day. Thirteen years ago today. My world forever changed. It became cold, and dark, and unforgiving.
Today, I am reminded, just like every 4th of July.. as people celebrate, I remember.. I remember her. And how it felt to have her in my life. How lucky I was to have had her. How grateful I am for her.. and how painful it is to not have her.
Grief is a terrible thing. I wish I could feel those words from Pooh.. but today, I just can't. Today, it is once again too real.